Hate Me

Today is an amazing day.
It's the first day of the rest of my life, and....
It's taken me almost thirty-three years,
But I've finally...truly found my purpose in life.
That special something that just might complete me
And make me whole.
Hate Me.

Reincarnation is real.
I know.
I've been here before.
I suffered my fate by drowning.
I almost remember swallowing water into my lungs
Because I couldn't hold my breath anymore
I almost remember sinking into dark waters
Too busy struggling to not choke,
To find the strength to swim back to the surface.
My efforts and energy were wasted, and I eventually sunk too far,
To swim back up,
And had to painfully give in to the liquid poison of the sea..
I didn't float.
Instead, I swallowed.
I sunk.
I died.

I thought that was paying my price.
But knowing that, and what I know now,
I'm not so sure anymore.
I have to wonder about
What it was that I did in my past life
That has carried over into this current life full of pain.
It must've been horrible, and
I sit here and try to imagine the most horrible things possible
Because it really just had to be that bad
It had to be so excruciating for someone else...
For it to follow me here, to now.
I see how, why, I feel undeserving...
And unworthy.
That makes me push everyone away.
Whatever it was...
However horrible....
With everything that I am...
My soul is so sorry.

It's inevitable now, that...
Karma will never let me go.
We'll never be even.
No matter how good I strive to be
No matter how kind or loving,
No matter how much I try to right my wrongs.
No matter how I trek to find virtue or integrity,
The debt will never be paid.
Whatever is my balance, anyway...
The ultimate cost is,
Priceless.

So, now that I'm seeing things clearer
In a whole new realm of reality
What can I do?
Suicide's never an option
Because I'd just be forced to come back again.
And, really, what would I have to live through then?
No.
Instead...
Just hate me.
For the rest of my natural life.
Keep on hating me.
And don't stop, because then maybe...
I won't have to have thoughts of checking out
And maybe someone would eventually hate me enough
To take care of that for me.
Then, at least...just maybe I'd have a chance at heaven.
An opportunity for redemption.
And perhaps, if I can just make it in...
I can ask God
What it was that I did....
That was so bad.



Maybe then, I'd get an answer.



S.L. (c) 1/11/08