I haven't written in a while. After the "break-up" last year (2008), I only wrote a couple of poems, and they were so depressing that I figured if I couldn't write about anything else, then I just wouldn't write at all. Some things have changed, yet some are still the same. It's been a year and one month since he left me last Thanksgiving, but Christmas passed just yesterday, and I'm still feeling the pain. Why? I have every reason to have fully moved on and to have healed, but I cannot figure out why I still care at all. I knew it was a bad idea, but before I could fully stop myself, I found myself browsing for his online profile. Found it, and broke down in tears. What the fuck is wrong with me? I should bot be feeling any of this shit! I've moved on physically, of course, and I don't really think of him but every once in a blue moon. I'm trying to sort out what it is that I'm really going through, because I know deep inside my heart that it's really not about him. It's really about ME. I know it's because I'm not finding what I keep looking and hoping for. I know it's because no matter how much I feel things are looking up, that I'm always brought back down on my ass to reality, and the reality is, as it's always been...

I'm alone. And I'm broken.

A New Love

I understand that feelings can be recycled.

I understand that you can feel the same way towards me, that you once felt towards someone else.
That you can love me, like you loved her.
That you can hate me, like you once hated her.
That these feelings are just that - feelings
That are recycled over and over again
Through this lifetime, and the last.
The next life, and our past.
That love is love - a feeling that can be felt by many.
That disappointment can be felt with anyone, and in any situation.
All feelings are factual....
And validated,
Because many people have them.
And everyone reuses them.

I remind myself that I've loved before.
And I can't feel guilty because I love now, like I loved before.
I can't try to change it into something different
Because love is love, no matter how you look at it.
I remind myself that there are many ways to feel a feeling.
There are many different situations in which to feel them.
These facts can't be changed.
I accept it.
I loved him.
Now I love you.
You loved her.
And now, you love me, too.

The only difference we have now, is time.

Within this time and space,
I've never loved, and I love you.

In this time and space,
I have never been loved, like I am loved by you.



And that...
Makes this new.




S.L. (c) 8/10/08

Vulnerable

The road to a thousand memories begins with one step...

Towards you.

I am in silenced awe at the possibilities

Paralyzed by the capabilities

Of your mind, verbalized.

Your soul, crystallized

Pulsating in my mind

Again and again.

And I cannot think straight

I struggle to cope and maintain sanity and nonchalance

While speechless, and I stand dead-center of the road.

Watching and listening, because I'm so caught off guard.
Afraid to move.

I want the memories to be good, but can't guarantee they will be.
I want the feelings to be validated, but can't guarantee they will be.
Nothing is guaranteed, and...
Everyone can see me.
Only you can feel me.

I am vulnerable, but...

Am I alone?

S.L. (c) 7/18/08

5 Seconds

We met before.
But the craving was more intense this time.
And that intensity led to 5 seconds of pure disorientation.
5 seconds of possession....distraction...
Pulling my face close to yours, and...
I almost kissed you.


It was only 5 seconds, but felt like 5 minutes.


My arm wrapped around your neck.
Your arm wrapped around my waist.
You felt so good...so warm...
I didn't want to move.
I didn't want to let go.
I'm not sure how long we stood there holding each other,
But it felt like an eternity, when in reality it was only a few seconds
Maybe only 5 seconds, when...
I almost kissed you.


We pulled apart in slow animation
My arms unwrapping, sliding along your shoulders...
Yours feeling along my back...my waist...my hips...
When the background disappeared.
Voices disolved into infinity, and we were alone, in the middle of everyone
We looked into each others eyes
And time stopped.
Like gravity to earth, I felt my lips being pulled to yours
Like a magnet
I felt my face moving closer
I felt the heat of your eyes growing hotter
I felt your breath, and my lips ached
5 seconds of closer...and closer....
Of almost touching....and closer...
5 seconds of being lost in your space.
5 seconds of being held in your gaze.
5 seconds of wanting to close my eyes and give in
Closer...
(Fighting it)
Closer...
(Unsure)
5 seconds....
4...
3....
2......


I felt physically bound to you.
I was spiritually connected to you...
For 5 seconds...


I almost kissed you.

S.L. (c) 5/26/08

The Just-Wanna-Fuck-but-Pretend-I-Want-More's

Now, these types are annoying, for different reasons.

Here is the difference: I don't mind sex, for sex only reasons. I DO, however, mind people insulting my intelligence - in ANY area.

I actually think it's cool for someone who is single to have their fun by dating around....playin the "field"...playing the "game"...that's why they're single, right? The point is to have fun, and this is perfectly allowable, as long as you haven't obligated yourself to someone else, and not hurting nobody (or yourself), right? Keep in mind that some people ARE too sensitive and will have a problem facing the reality of this....I am not one of these folks, but you should determine the type of person you're dealing with for your own sake. There are psychotic people out there.

What I have a problem with is, someone who tries to attack my intelligence by treating me like an idiot who doesn't understand what's really going on!!

So, you want to have sex? Well, maybe the feeling is mutual - maybe it's not. If it is, it may just happen....and then, what??? There does not have to be a "then, what?" There doesn't HAVE to be anything more, unless we both want it to be. If we do end up being intimate, you don't owe me anything, and I don't owe you anything, unless we both communicate a desire to and agree on that. Don't carry on treating me like I might break by telling me things you think I WANT to hear, like you wanna spend time with me...you wanna get to know me...you want me for yourself...you'll call me tonite....you're really feeling me....you wanna see me again soon...you want us to start seeing each other regularly....etc...etc...

While all that may be true, don't feel the need to say these things unless they ARE. You don't need to feel obligated to say these things, just because we were intimate. After all, how do you know that I even feel that way?!?!? lol!!! Don't assume, please.

OK, I have another disclaimer: I am picky and don't just sleep around with just anyone..at just anytime. (In fact, I'm actually sexually deprived most times.) However, like most men, not all women want more, or feel that sex constitutes the need for a relationship. Sometimes, we just need to get laid, too (we may just be more tactful in our approach). If a person is SINGLE, this is not a bad thing, because they are obviously not obligated to consider someone else. You don't owe any explanation for WHY you wanna have sex. You don't owe any additional "perks". There is no "small print" or additional obligations or "add-ons" if we have sex. "MORE" is not mandatory!!! If we can just KISS (keep it simple, stupid), it will make things easier, so that if we DO start talking more than sex, we can both know that we mean it. Until and unless that happens, don't feel it's the "right" thing to do, to make me feel like you want more so you don't hurt my feelings.



My point is, don't feed me bullshit just to "hit it"....I'm not in high school anymore, and if you really think I'm idiot enough to not see through this juvenile method, I will automatically see YOU as the idiot, and you will lose any opportunity right off the bat.

Hate Me

Today is an amazing day.
It's the first day of the rest of my life, and....
It's taken me almost thirty-three years,
But I've finally...truly found my purpose in life.
That special something that just might complete me
And make me whole.
Hate Me.

Reincarnation is real.
I know.
I've been here before.
I suffered my fate by drowning.
I almost remember swallowing water into my lungs
Because I couldn't hold my breath anymore
I almost remember sinking into dark waters
Too busy struggling to not choke,
To find the strength to swim back to the surface.
My efforts and energy were wasted, and I eventually sunk too far,
To swim back up,
And had to painfully give in to the liquid poison of the sea..
I didn't float.
Instead, I swallowed.
I sunk.
I died.

I thought that was paying my price.
But knowing that, and what I know now,
I'm not so sure anymore.
I have to wonder about
What it was that I did in my past life
That has carried over into this current life full of pain.
It must've been horrible, and
I sit here and try to imagine the most horrible things possible
Because it really just had to be that bad
It had to be so excruciating for someone else...
For it to follow me here, to now.
I see how, why, I feel undeserving...
And unworthy.
That makes me push everyone away.
Whatever it was...
However horrible....
With everything that I am...
My soul is so sorry.

It's inevitable now, that...
Karma will never let me go.
We'll never be even.
No matter how good I strive to be
No matter how kind or loving,
No matter how much I try to right my wrongs.
No matter how I trek to find virtue or integrity,
The debt will never be paid.
Whatever is my balance, anyway...
The ultimate cost is,
Priceless.

So, now that I'm seeing things clearer
In a whole new realm of reality
What can I do?
Suicide's never an option
Because I'd just be forced to come back again.
And, really, what would I have to live through then?
No.
Instead...
Just hate me.
For the rest of my natural life.
Keep on hating me.
And don't stop, because then maybe...
I won't have to have thoughts of checking out
And maybe someone would eventually hate me enough
To take care of that for me.
Then, at least...just maybe I'd have a chance at heaven.
An opportunity for redemption.
And perhaps, if I can just make it in...
I can ask God
What it was that I did....
That was so bad.



Maybe then, I'd get an answer.



S.L. (c) 1/11/08

Feedback...

I found it really hard to not reply to the "Anonymous" "poet-warrior" on his previous comments, but I'm way too opinionated to shut up for too long...


So...umm...we apparently got someone who is taking every post here to heart, and personal. If the shoe fits, wear it...wear it damn well....BUT, if it doesn't: I do recall writing a disclaimer of sorts, that said if this shit doesn't pertain to YOU, don't take it personal.


In spite of it, these 4 posts have regarded me as some stereotypical, bratty female, and have seemingly missed all of my points altogether. Using the "Penny Pinchers" post as an example, I don't understand how you've MISSED my frustration because I can tell you that I've probably asked out the guy AND paid, more than the other way around.


But, hey, maybe I AM really just a bratty chick that's bitching because I think I'm cute.


That's funny, but on a real bratty note: this is, after all, MY BLOG... and I decide who gets to be the funny smartass here.


*smile*