I didn't realize that I'd caused so much self-damage.
Imagine...
Knowing what the sun looks like, only from memory. I remember it being round, and bright. Warm....on my skin. Warm in my hair. Causing my eyes to squint sometimes. I know it's still there, because I've seen it, and can vouch for its existence.
It's been years since I've seen the sun.
I've been covered in the muck of my life - covered initially by others, then finally...slathering the gook on myself. I'd wet it, then smooth it on. Pack some grass in there that was on the ground around me, and make it thicker and thicker. Higher and higher. It started out as just a ring on the ground around me - meant to represent a line that I didn't want people to cross. My "personal space". Soon it turned into a small retaining wall. Then a dividing wall, followed and built up finally to a supporting structure wall. I don't know how I perfected the art of making the mud so high and round at the top, that it didn't fall on my head. The sunlight got dimmer and dimmer. Eventually all the sides met into the very center above, and formed a ceiling. An airtight mound - it became a cave of mud...that has over the years, hardened. I didn't realize that I had completed a roof and completely blocked the sunlight, until it was gone and dark. The earthen shell covering me was hard as a rock. I lit my cave with my own dingy man-made light. But I remember the sun's attributes. I was content in my new home. I didn't need the sun.
Until this pinhole of blinding light showed up one day.
It was sharp and thin as a needle. I didn't even notice it right away, until I was laying down in my cave...and this pinpoint of light caught me right in my eye. Blinded me in my right eye for about 2 whole minutes. I did something I'd learned how to do since being locked in this cave - I cussed. I said "what the fuck?!?!?" This had become normal language for me. Cussing and discussing with myself was normal behavior at that point. I said "what the fuck?!?!!?" with no qualms or flinches. But anyway, I thought at first there was something wrong with my right eye, because I didn't recognize what this needle-thin beam of light was. Maybe I was just going blind. I moved, and seen that the light didn't. It pierced into the ground right where I was just laying. I waved my hand in front of it, and it sunk in - this light was coming from somewhere ELSE.
I looked up. There was a hole in the roof of my cave.
How did it get there? I reached up for a closer look, and seen that it was perfectly round and tiny. It was perfect. Someone DID this. Intentionally. My shell was breached.
I was full of mixed emotions:
I was angry - that someone intentionally ruined all the work I'd put in to making the roof of my fucking cave perfect and airtight. That now, if it were to fucking rain, I'd have a damned leak!!! Water would seep, if not stream, into my safe haven...and oh my God! since every other area of my dungeon was water tight, water could fill up, rise and I could drown!!! I panic in my anger...even though there's no reason to think it's going to rain. But I'm ANGRY. Who the FUCK did this?!?!?!!?
I was scared - somebody was trying to get in!!!! Would they hurt me? Kill me? Ruin my home altogether?? What does this mean?!?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING??? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME????
I was sad - I keep to myself, hoping that I would be left alone. I try to mind my own business, and hopefully live in peace. Someone was trying to steal my peace, for no reason. Sure, I got lonely sometimes, but the alternative of living with the disruption and chaos from others was not an option. I'm sure I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was sad that it was happening to me unprovoked. I didn't deserve this.
At the gut bottom of all these other emotions...there was a glimmer of my former self....a shadow....an illusion of a figure of what was once me. She was happy. She was relieved. It took me a second to even realize that she was still here, in my cave, with me...still. I almost didn't recognize her. I had forgotten her, much like I'd forgotten the sun. I made her sit in the far corner of this cave for years and not utter a fucking word, because it was HER fault that I had to build this cave in the first place. Maybe this "someone" who was trying to get in, was after her. But there she was, at this moment....standing up. Like a ghost in the darkness.
She was me, and she was.....HAPPY!
I read HOPE all over her face, and could tell, she wanted....OUT.
But wait..I know I forced her silence, and I know I brought her here against her will, but...I was PROTECTING her! I did this for her own GOOD!
The beam of sun was getting brighter...and wider. Powder and small chunks of dry, caked-up dirt was falling near my head onto the ground around me. Someone was CHIPPING at that hole. Right now!!
I panicked. I looked at her, and she looked panicked, too. But in a hopeful way. Fucking bitch!!!
The light is blinding me. It's getting brighter and brighter. I already feel the heat warming up my cave. I see a shadow of someone up there moving....chipping....stripping away at my fortress. Damaging it. Whittling it away.
She steps into me, and uses my voice, and yells "I'm IN HERE!!!! Hurry!!!"
What the fuck!?!?!?! I pushed her back into the corner...to the ground. Where's my water? I grab my water...and scoop up a handful of the dry, cold ground...and pat the water into it. Patting it...and kneading...quickly....into a mud pie. I reach up and press it into this hole, that's become the size of a golfball already!!!! I pat it there...hold it there...trying feverishly to patch it closed. It's a wet mound though...and DAMN IT...someone is still trying to pick through and wet chunks crumble and fall back to the ground....
I fall to the ground.
Please stop!!! I'm AFRAID.
I cover my eyes, and ball up on the ground. I can't look at the sunlight around me. It's too hot and bright, but I can FEEL it.
I AM AFRAID. I am going to die. I take a deep breath in....and empty my lungs slowly, until there's no...more....breath. I'm ready.
Take me now.
There's a warm hand on my shoulder. Brushes my arm...then my face. Caresses my hair, pulling it away from my cheek. Pulls my hands from my eyes. I open them, and squint at the light, that has engulfed this room. There is no more ceiling of earth - it's completely gone. I look at the silhouette, and as my eyes begin to adjust, I look into her eyes. She takes my hands....both into hers...and pulls me up to my feet. I feel like I don't even have legs, but somehow I rise up. Up. To her eye level.
She hugs me. She pulls me into her, and we MERGE.
I feel her joy. I feel her hope. I feel her love. I see her memories, I see the hurt and fear, and feel her pain. But her heart is bigger than all of that. It vibrates against my chest, and I feel like I'm choking on it. I feel her thoughts, and dreams, and desires, even through the noise in the background of the dry walls around us crumbling down. I hear them thunk without vibration to the ground. I feel everything she is feeling, and hear everything she is hearing, and although I'm still afraid, I feel her peace. I feel the tears, too. They're wet on my face.
I hear another voice. It's saying "No doubt". It's coming from the person who broke through my cave.
I see him.
The sun is awful bright. I don't remember it being this bright. My eyes are sensitive to it still, and my ashen skin is in a lot of shock. I don't know how to adjust to it yet - it's very painful - but, through God, I will. I have to. I'm exposed.
And, the sun will forever shine.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Don't-Want-Her-to-Take-My-Money Penny-Pinchers
Before I get hot and heavy into this one, I must say that MANY of the men who feel this way, do so for legitimate reason! I am sorry, but there are just some sorry ass women out there that have created these monsters, and made it really hard for the women who are NOT all about the shallow gold-diggin....
But...carrying on....
Athough this is a difficult subject to talk about, without the possibility of offending someone, I have to say it: Men...not every woman wants your fucking money! LOL!!! Please assess the woman you are interacting with individually, before deciding to take the defensive and assume that she, and every single woman roaming this earth, is out to rob you of every linty cent in your pocket! OK, so some woman may've used you, and taken advantage of you - "milked" you - for as much as they could get, but not every woman is that way. I don't want your money - I just want to have a good, chill time! Sue my ass!!! What's even worse is the frustration and humor of dealing with men who got the nerve to act like this, who ain't got shit to take anyway! You live with someone else, barely got a running car and decent paying job, but you want to treat ME like I'd be stealing from you if you took me out and paid. Get a grip. If YOU asked me out, yes, I believe you SHOULD pay. And if/when we've been out a few times, and have become friends and developed a rapport, then we can discuss and haggle who'll pay, OK? It really should be that simple.
Speaking of haggling, let's talk etiquette for a minute. I do think that there is certain etiquette when it comes to dating. For example, if you ask ME out to dinner, you should be prepared to pay. If I ask YOU to a movie, I should be prepared to pay. The key word here is PREPARED. Who ACTUALLY pays may turn out differently (for example, I OFFER to pay at the last moment, or you suddenly whip out some cash when I reach for my credit card), but the person who invites should be prepared for that date. And if you're NOT prepared, keep your broke ass at home, and don't ask nobody out! Wait until your friggin payday, for goodness sakes. Additionally, only after we've established a certain level of comfort with each other, should we discuss and alternate who covers what. You don't discuss that shit on a first friggin date!!! Believe it or not, talking about money and who should pay, IS a sensitive subject. It can be a deal-breaker, and at the very least, is sure to make the rest of our date very awkward. I think it can be a case-by-case issue, but initially, I must admit that I am a little old-fashioned and believe that the guy should be prepared to pay for first dates. I stress the term "initially". To rewind in time for a second, men were always expected to cover the costs of taking a woman out on a date, and this was considered part of the COURTING process. Nowadays, things have changed so much - women being more independent with single-motherhood and being the provider, as well as being sexually uninhibited, that the "rules" of courting having changed to where very few things are traditional anymore. I don't believe that everything should be traditional, but now, many men have this general thinking that if they DO put out any money for a date, that they deserve something in return, like, sex. I stress the word BULL-SHIT, and just because you pay for a date, it does not entitle you to anything. If you been going out on 50-first-dates for the past week, and have to dish out $40 a date and your ass is broke, that ain't my fuckin problem! Pace your ass then, turbo!!! I don't owe you shit, just because you treated me to a meal. Get THAT straight. I am allowed to say that, and not flinch, because I don't regard myself like some kind of trophy or commodity, or something that has to be bought. I know how I am, and I know that if we end up hanging out, there will be times that I will treat you too, but when/if I do, it'll be because I WANT to. It'll be because I enjoy your company, and want to continue spending time with you. It'll be because I appreciate your taking ME out too sometimes. It'll be because you don't EXPECT me to.
That said, I'm gonna take a minute and RANT, because I know some women have completely fucked that concept up for some men - and therefore in turn, for women like me. Some women not only expect the man to pay for every, single date, but they want...oh, let's see....shoes, clothes, bills to be paid, etc., etc... G-damned bitches: Thanks for NOTHING!! Thanks for fuckin him up and the traditional process, so now I gotta deal with a man that I may've liked, but had to cut loose because his stupid ass expected me to drive an hour to HIM so he doesn't have to pay $3 a gallon for gas on date number-fuckin-one, and then looks at me expectantly to pay for my own fucking movie ticket, even though HIS dumb ass asked ME out, because his head is jammed up his ass and is obsessed with never allowing a "golddigger" to fuck him over again. Fuck you - to the stupid man AND the idiot bitch(es) that made him that way! And FYI - don't you dare ask me out to YOUR favorite restaurant, that I've never been to, for a first date, then ask me to pay for my own fucking meal when the check comes, either (yes, that shit happened, and I ended up paying $50 fucking dollars for food that I HATED, thank-you-very-much!!!).
*whew*
I had to get that off my chest...lol. Scuse all that french, but I am part Creole, so I get a free "french" pass!
See? My point is...It's a two-way street. Dating is an INTERACTION - a back-and-forth between two people. I don't want your money. If you pay, you don't own me. So unless I give you a valid reason, don't treat me like a golddigger. Not every woman wants you for your money.
But...carrying on....
Athough this is a difficult subject to talk about, without the possibility of offending someone, I have to say it: Men...not every woman wants your fucking money! LOL!!! Please assess the woman you are interacting with individually, before deciding to take the defensive and assume that she, and every single woman roaming this earth, is out to rob you of every linty cent in your pocket! OK, so some woman may've used you, and taken advantage of you - "milked" you - for as much as they could get, but not every woman is that way. I don't want your money - I just want to have a good, chill time! Sue my ass!!! What's even worse is the frustration and humor of dealing with men who got the nerve to act like this, who ain't got shit to take anyway! You live with someone else, barely got a running car and decent paying job, but you want to treat ME like I'd be stealing from you if you took me out and paid. Get a grip. If YOU asked me out, yes, I believe you SHOULD pay. And if/when we've been out a few times, and have become friends and developed a rapport, then we can discuss and haggle who'll pay, OK? It really should be that simple.
Speaking of haggling, let's talk etiquette for a minute. I do think that there is certain etiquette when it comes to dating. For example, if you ask ME out to dinner, you should be prepared to pay. If I ask YOU to a movie, I should be prepared to pay. The key word here is PREPARED. Who ACTUALLY pays may turn out differently (for example, I OFFER to pay at the last moment, or you suddenly whip out some cash when I reach for my credit card), but the person who invites should be prepared for that date. And if you're NOT prepared, keep your broke ass at home, and don't ask nobody out! Wait until your friggin payday, for goodness sakes. Additionally, only after we've established a certain level of comfort with each other, should we discuss and alternate who covers what. You don't discuss that shit on a first friggin date!!! Believe it or not, talking about money and who should pay, IS a sensitive subject. It can be a deal-breaker, and at the very least, is sure to make the rest of our date very awkward. I think it can be a case-by-case issue, but initially, I must admit that I am a little old-fashioned and believe that the guy should be prepared to pay for first dates. I stress the term "initially". To rewind in time for a second, men were always expected to cover the costs of taking a woman out on a date, and this was considered part of the COURTING process. Nowadays, things have changed so much - women being more independent with single-motherhood and being the provider, as well as being sexually uninhibited, that the "rules" of courting having changed to where very few things are traditional anymore. I don't believe that everything should be traditional, but now, many men have this general thinking that if they DO put out any money for a date, that they deserve something in return, like, sex. I stress the word BULL-SHIT, and just because you pay for a date, it does not entitle you to anything. If you been going out on 50-first-dates for the past week, and have to dish out $40 a date and your ass is broke, that ain't my fuckin problem! Pace your ass then, turbo!!! I don't owe you shit, just because you treated me to a meal. Get THAT straight. I am allowed to say that, and not flinch, because I don't regard myself like some kind of trophy or commodity, or something that has to be bought. I know how I am, and I know that if we end up hanging out, there will be times that I will treat you too, but when/if I do, it'll be because I WANT to. It'll be because I enjoy your company, and want to continue spending time with you. It'll be because I appreciate your taking ME out too sometimes. It'll be because you don't EXPECT me to.
That said, I'm gonna take a minute and RANT, because I know some women have completely fucked that concept up for some men - and therefore in turn, for women like me. Some women not only expect the man to pay for every, single date, but they want...oh, let's see....shoes, clothes, bills to be paid, etc., etc... G-damned bitches: Thanks for NOTHING!! Thanks for fuckin him up and the traditional process, so now I gotta deal with a man that I may've liked, but had to cut loose because his stupid ass expected me to drive an hour to HIM so he doesn't have to pay $3 a gallon for gas on date number-fuckin-one, and then looks at me expectantly to pay for my own fucking movie ticket, even though HIS dumb ass asked ME out, because his head is jammed up his ass and is obsessed with never allowing a "golddigger" to fuck him over again. Fuck you - to the stupid man AND the idiot bitch(es) that made him that way! And FYI - don't you dare ask me out to YOUR favorite restaurant, that I've never been to, for a first date, then ask me to pay for my own fucking meal when the check comes, either (yes, that shit happened, and I ended up paying $50 fucking dollars for food that I HATED, thank-you-very-much!!!).
*whew*
I had to get that off my chest...lol. Scuse all that french, but I am part Creole, so I get a free "french" pass!
See? My point is...It's a two-way street. Dating is an INTERACTION - a back-and-forth between two people. I don't want your money. If you pay, you don't own me. So unless I give you a valid reason, don't treat me like a golddigger. Not every woman wants you for your money.
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