The Sun Shines

I didn't realize that I'd caused so much self-damage.

Imagine...

Knowing what the sun looks like, only from memory. I remember it being round, and bright. Warm....on my skin. Warm in my hair. Causing my eyes to squint sometimes. I know it's still there, because I've seen it, and can vouch for its existence.

It's been years since I've seen the sun.

I've been covered in the muck of my life - covered initially by others, then finally...slathering the gook on myself. I'd wet it, then smooth it on. Pack some grass in there that was on the ground around me, and make it thicker and thicker. Higher and higher. It started out as just a ring on the ground around me - meant to represent a line that I didn't want people to cross. My "personal space". Soon it turned into a small retaining wall. Then a dividing wall, followed and built up finally to a supporting structure wall. I don't know how I perfected the art of making the mud so high and round at the top, that it didn't fall on my head. The sunlight got dimmer and dimmer. Eventually all the sides met into the very center above, and formed a ceiling. An airtight mound - it became a cave of mud...that has over the years, hardened. I didn't realize that I had completed a roof and completely blocked the sunlight, until it was gone and dark. The earthen shell covering me was hard as a rock. I lit my cave with my own dingy man-made light. But I remember the sun's attributes. I was content in my new home. I didn't need the sun.

Until this pinhole of blinding light showed up one day.

It was sharp and thin as a needle. I didn't even notice it right away, until I was laying down in my cave...and this pinpoint of light caught me right in my eye. Blinded me in my right eye for about 2 whole minutes. I did something I'd learned how to do since being locked in this cave - I cussed. I said "what the fuck?!?!?" This had become normal language for me. Cussing and discussing with myself was normal behavior at that point. I said "what the fuck?!?!!?" with no qualms or flinches. But anyway, I thought at first there was something wrong with my right eye, because I didn't recognize what this needle-thin beam of light was. Maybe I was just going blind. I moved, and seen that the light didn't. It pierced into the ground right where I was just laying. I waved my hand in front of it, and it sunk in - this light was coming from somewhere ELSE.

I looked up. There was a hole in the roof of my cave.

How did it get there? I reached up for a closer look, and seen that it was perfectly round and tiny. It was perfect. Someone DID this. Intentionally. My shell was breached.

I was full of mixed emotions:

I was angry - that someone intentionally ruined all the work I'd put in to making the roof of my fucking cave perfect and airtight. That now, if it were to fucking rain, I'd have a damned leak!!! Water would seep, if not stream, into my safe haven...and oh my God! since every other area of my dungeon was water tight, water could fill up, rise and I could drown!!! I panic in my anger...even though there's no reason to think it's going to rain. But I'm ANGRY. Who the FUCK did this?!?!?!!?

I was scared - somebody was trying to get in!!!! Would they hurt me? Kill me? Ruin my home altogether?? What does this mean?!?!? WHAT IS HAPPENING??? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME????

I was sad - I keep to myself, hoping that I would be left alone. I try to mind my own business, and hopefully live in peace. Someone was trying to steal my peace, for no reason. Sure, I got lonely sometimes, but the alternative of living with the disruption and chaos from others was not an option. I'm sure I didn't do anything to deserve this. I was sad that it was happening to me unprovoked. I didn't deserve this.

At the gut bottom of all these other emotions...there was a glimmer of my former self....a shadow....an illusion of a figure of what was once me. She was happy. She was relieved. It took me a second to even realize that she was still here, in my cave, with me...still. I almost didn't recognize her. I had forgotten her, much like I'd forgotten the sun. I made her sit in the far corner of this cave for years and not utter a fucking word, because it was HER fault that I had to build this cave in the first place. Maybe this "someone" who was trying to get in, was after her. But there she was, at this moment....standing up. Like a ghost in the darkness.

She was me, and she was.....HAPPY!

I read HOPE all over her face, and could tell, she wanted....OUT.

But wait..I know I forced her silence, and I know I brought her here against her will, but...I was PROTECTING her! I did this for her own GOOD!

The beam of sun was getting brighter...and wider. Powder and small chunks of dry, caked-up dirt was falling near my head onto the ground around me. Someone was CHIPPING at that hole. Right now!!

I panicked. I looked at her, and she looked panicked, too. But in a hopeful way. Fucking bitch!!!

The light is blinding me. It's getting brighter and brighter. I already feel the heat warming up my cave. I see a shadow of someone up there moving....chipping....stripping away at my fortress. Damaging it. Whittling it away.

She steps into me, and uses my voice, and yells "I'm IN HERE!!!! Hurry!!!"

What the fuck!?!?!?! I pushed her back into the corner...to the ground. Where's my water? I grab my water...and scoop up a handful of the dry, cold ground...and pat the water into it. Patting it...and kneading...quickly....into a mud pie. I reach up and press it into this hole, that's become the size of a golfball already!!!! I pat it there...hold it there...trying feverishly to patch it closed. It's a wet mound though...and DAMN IT...someone is still trying to pick through and wet chunks crumble and fall back to the ground....

I fall to the ground.

Please stop!!! I'm AFRAID.

I cover my eyes, and ball up on the ground. I can't look at the sunlight around me. It's too hot and bright, but I can FEEL it.

I AM AFRAID. I am going to die. I take a deep breath in....and empty my lungs slowly, until there's no...more....breath. I'm ready.

Take me now.







There's a warm hand on my shoulder. Brushes my arm...then my face. Caresses my hair, pulling it away from my cheek. Pulls my hands from my eyes. I open them, and squint at the light, that has engulfed this room. There is no more ceiling of earth - it's completely gone. I look at the silhouette, and as my eyes begin to adjust, I look into her eyes. She takes my hands....both into hers...and pulls me up to my feet. I feel like I don't even have legs, but somehow I rise up. Up. To her eye level.

She hugs me. She pulls me into her, and we MERGE.

I feel her joy. I feel her hope. I feel her love. I see her memories, I see the hurt and fear, and feel her pain. But her heart is bigger than all of that. It vibrates against my chest, and I feel like I'm choking on it. I feel her thoughts, and dreams, and desires, even through the noise in the background of the dry walls around us crumbling down. I hear them thunk without vibration to the ground. I feel everything she is feeling, and hear everything she is hearing, and although I'm still afraid, I feel her peace. I feel the tears, too. They're wet on my face.

I hear another voice. It's saying "No doubt". It's coming from the person who broke through my cave.

I see him.








The sun is awful bright. I don't remember it being this bright. My eyes are sensitive to it still, and my ashen skin is in a lot of shock. I don't know how to adjust to it yet - it's very painful - but, through God, I will. I have to. I'm exposed.

And, the sun will forever shine.